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A Conversation With Azathoth

Categories: Section Eight

Subj:	 DG: A Conversation with AZATHOTH
Date:	98-08-22 19:42:51 EDT
From:	mib@cyberspace.org (The Man in Black)
Sender:	owner-deltagreen@nocturne.org
Reply-to:	deltagreen@nocturne.org (Delta Green List)
To:	deltagreen@nocturne.org (Delta Green List)

or, Ian Fleming's James Bond in "Darkness Always Kills"

MEMCON#8 (MEMorandum of CONversation)

*******

Cast of Characters:

(mib): The Man in Black, World Famous Secret Agent

(BUZZ~!): Buzz the Mi-Go, MiB sidekick

(Jacques): GEPAN Agent and tortured Artiste

(AZATHOTH): A giant multi-dimensional explosion

(007): Bond, James Bond

(N.): The crawling chaos, mighty messenger etc etc.

*******

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

MiB World HeadQuarters
0730 hours

(mib): "NO WAY~! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!"

(BUZZ~!): "Bzzz bzz bzzztbz. [red:green:yellow]"

(mib): "I know what I promised, but I am never going to England again. Did
you see the size of the bill Y'golonac's lawyers sent to us to repair his
puny little wall?!"

(BUZZ~!): "Bz bzzt Bzzzt? [red:blue:white]"

(mib): "FRANCE~! France is even worse, a nation of cheese-sniffing
wine-imbibers! If I go to France it will be to topple the Eiffel Tower so 
that it can serve a useful purpose by pointing the way to EuroDisney." 

(BUZZ~!): "zzt Bz bbzzz [gold:blue:magenta]"

(mib): "Hmmm, raid the armory you say?"

(BUZZ~!): "Bzzt bz bzzt! [gold:silver:yellow]"

(mib): "Knock over Q-branch you say? There may be merit in what you're 
planning..." 

*******

MI-7 Q-branch
0900 hours
Security Video

(unidentified male): "HANDS UP! No one even breathes! Give the goods to
the giant fungus!"

(a strange buzzing noise can be heard, camera goes black)

*******

(a bizarre hallucinatory scene where beautiful silhouettes of women dance
with Mi-Go and Shans before the Eiffel Tower to the tune of the Spice
Girls' newest release "Darkness Always Kills")

*******

Somewhere on the French Riviera
1500 hours

(mib): "Let's see, Q-branch was cataloging items from Task Force
PorkBarrel, an American covert operations cache:

Black & Decker Hammer, $50,000
Man portable Neutron Bomb, $0.59
Nails QTY 500 (five point quality inspected), $25,000 - each
Hand Grenade

(gives BUZZ~! a dirty look)

(BUZZ~!): "Z Bz bzzzt bzzzt. [blue:indigo:black]"

(mib): "You're damn right you're truly sorry! Just look at this crap!
Anyway, lets see what we lifted from the regular Q stuff:

Ordinary Looking Watch
Ordinary Looking Pen
Ordinary Looking 1967 Aston Martin Coupe
Ordinary Looking Walther PPK
Ordinary Looking copy of Star Trek Novel "Q-Squared""

(gives BUZZ~! an even dirtier look)

*******

Wanker Cafe, Rue de Wanker
Paris, France
2000 hours

(mib): "Psst frenchie, wanna buy an Ordinary Looking Watch?"

(A young Frenchman and his objet'd'lamour run screaming from a giant
lobster-looking fungus)

(mib): "Dammit BUZZ~! You can't keep doing that! Your brightly glowing
head makes them think you're a papparazzi assassin!"

(BUZZ~!): "BZZT BZT! Bzzzt bzzt! [red:violet:orange]"

(mib): "You are? Really? That explains a lot."

(Jacques): "Pah-don Moi? C'est World Famous Secret Agente?"

(mib): "Well, yeah I guess you could say that."

(Jacques): "Le action-hero dor-me vous 'Q-branch?'"

(mib): "Umm, I think so. So, uh, you wanna buy an Ordinary Looking Watch
or what?"

(Jaqcues): "Le Monsieur Bond! Welcome to Francevous!" (kisses Mib on both
cheeks)

(mib): "Wha?"

(Jacques): "We are having much difficulty with your British Embassy. It
has been infiltrated by evil aliens."

(mib): "Wha?"

(Jacques): "I know you are facing this same problem in your home country,
I hope that together we can solve this difficult problem without
resorting to that crass vulgar MiB Organization!"

(mib): "Wha?"

(their witty reparte is interrupted by gunfire from a ill-equipped James
Bond firing a British Sten gun left over from WWII)

(Jacques): (ducking behind a cappucino machine) "WE SURRENDER! YOU ARE TOO
MUCH FOR US! PLEASE DO NOT HARM US POOR FRENCH FOLK!"

(mib): "DIE LIMEY DIE!" (shoots a walther PPK at James Bond)

(many french citizens are mowed down like blades of grass in the John
Woo-like action sequence. Finally both MiB and Bond run out of Ammo while
diving to the grounds in super slo-mo. They fight hand to hand until MiB
clobbers James Bond with the most expensive hammer in the world. 
Meanwhile, BUZZ~! accepts Jacques surrender and removes his brain) 

*******

GEPAN Interrogation Cell
2300 hours

(apparantly Jacques, like all general direction farting french folk,
is able to function perfectly well without a brain)

(Jacques): "So vile alien terrorist. You thought you could impersonate the
most famous secret agent in the world! Well think again, you nose-booger
muncher. I wipe my bottom with your toungue, slimy alien bedwetting type!"

(mib): "Yeah."

(Jacques): "I expectorate on your granny. You who like to watch fat women
mudwrestle! This one is for your mother! I... I..."

(Bond grabs Mib's ordinary looking watch and lasers open his manacles.)

(Jacques): "...I surrender! I SURRENDER! Please, do not punish me
monsieur!"

(mib): (brandishes an ordinary looking pen) "Don't try anything funny,
Bond - if that is your real name! I've got a pen!" 

(007): "Go ahead, do your worst. I've got a laser watch!"

(MiB grabs Jacques and sticks the pen in his Jacques' ear)

(mib): "Try anything funny and the frog gets my signature on the inside
of his skull!"

(Jacques): "AHH! I Surrender also to you! All of France is yours!"

(mib): "Shut up! Dammit, Bond isn't supposed to escape until he's been in
the deathtrap. BUZZ~! HOW'S THAT DEATHTRAP COMING?"

(007 runs out, leaving MiB in the cell with Jacques)

(Jacques): "All I wanted in life was to be a painter of landscapes, but
no, my father wanted me to become an agent for GEPAN. How I long for the
countryside, the vinyards and sweet aroma of cheese."

(mib): (pointing at Bond) "Uh, he's getting away."

(Jacques): "I... I will give up life in the intelligence community... I
will become a starving artiste..."

(mib): "Jacques! Snap out of it man, He's running amok!" (shakes Jacques,
the sound of automatic gunfire and french folk surrendering can be heard
in the background) 

(Jacques): "...I... I must suffer for my art." (pokes himself in the head
with a sharp pointy stick)

(mib): "I give up." (runs after Bond)

*******

(Bond has been trapped by BUZZ~! in a giant can-opener-like device which
removes brains, BUZZ~! has demonstrated the device to Bond by de-braining
some french folk who now wander about even happier than before.) 

(mib): "So, Mister Bond, you find yourself trapped and helpless before me,
your brain soon to be removed." 

(007): "Good god man, you're crazy!"

(mib): "I prefer to think of it as Genius. After all, you don't see me
strapped to the giant can opener, now do you?"

(A huge horde of Shan possessed SAS burst in, kill all the French Folk and
gleefully strap both MiB and BUZZ~! to the giant can opener and leave)

(mib): "Damn."

(007): "Genius, eh?"

(mib): "Shut up, 007."

(BUZZ~!): "BZZT BZ BZZT! [orange:green:blue]"

(007): "Eh, what was that?"

(mib): "BUZZ~! says he can get us out of here."

(BUZZ~!): "BZZt bzzt bzz bzz bz. [yellow:violet:grey]"

(mib): "BUZZ~! says he will detonate the Neutron Bomb we stole from
Q-branch and... WHAT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! ARE YOU CRAZY!?"

(BUZZ~!): "Z Bzzzzt Bz bzzzt bz bz bz bzzbz. [yellow:white:white]

(mib): "Sigh."

(007): "What? WHat!?"

(mib): "BUZZ~! says he prefers to think of it as genius."

(007): "You can't let him detonate that device, I haven't even met the
female lead yet!"

(mib): "It's too late. The timer is a suicide switch, no way to disarm
it."

(007): "At least those Shans will go with us, eh?'

(mib): "Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but.."

(007): "Yes?"

(mib): "About the Shans, um, you know, and the bomb..."

(007): "Yes?"

(mib): "Nevermind."

(The Neutron Bomb Explodes, killing millions of innocent french people
with lethal gamma radiation. The international media ignores the incident
due to suppression by the evil Disney Corporation.)

*******

(mib): "Wha?"

(AZATHOTH): "WELCOME TO MY COURT, PUNY HUMAN!"

(mib): "Hey, I thought you were a blind idiot chaos?"

(AZATHOTH): "YOU DARE! THOSE ARE LIES SPREAD BY CTHULHU AND HIS SPIN
DOCTORS. I PREFER TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A GENIUS!"

(mib): "Oh. So, um, how's it goin'?"

(AZATHOTH): "PRETTY GOOD, HOW ABOUT YOU?"

(mib): "Well, I'm wondering how I'm going to get out of this one, but
other than that I'm cool. So, uh, these your servitors here in orbit eh?"

(AZATHOTH): "INDEED. THEY DO MY BIDDING. OBEY EVERY CHAOTIC WHIM I HAVE.
AND THEY WORK CHEAP TOO."

(mib): "Well, could you tell 'em to knock off all the piping. Geez,
Louise! that's annoying."

(AZATHOTH): "YOUR PRESUMPTION KNOWS NO BOUNDS! INSOLENT WORM, I COULD
DESTROY YOU WITH BUT A PASSING THOUGHT, A MOMENTARY FLICK OF MY INFINITE
GLORY."

(mib): "Yeah, so you gonna tell 'em to quit it or what?"

(AZATHOTH): "YEAH, ALRIGHT. GUYS, GUYS! IXNAY ON THE ING-PIPEAY."

(N.): "Hi boss. I'm ready for the... Is that the MiB?"

(mib): "Yeah, how's it goin'?"

(N.): "What the HELL are you doing here?!"

(mib): "You know, the usual, saving the world, orbiting, that kinda
thing."

(N.): "How can you breathe? There's no air out here!"

(mib): "Dude, don't you read 'Akiko?' There's plenty of air out here."

(N.): "How come there's no piping? PIPERS!"

(AZATHOTH): "I TOLD 'EM TO KNOCK IT OFF."

(N.): "..."

(mib): "So Nyarly-dude, how about a lift back to Earth?"

(N.): "...there's no piping...but there's always piping..."

(mib): "Hey, I'm talking here."

(N.): "...I could've been an Elder God, but Noooo! They're too
goody-two-shoes I said, more fun being an Outer God I said..." 

(mib): "HELLO! ABOUT MY RIDE! Don't make me call in the rest of MIB for
pickup, many of whom are much more annoying than me!"

(N.): "OK! OK! Don't have to get all hot and bothered."

(mib): "Oh, uh, AZATHOTH?"

(AZATHOTH): "YES?"

(mib): "Could you tell the Shans to quit bothering the Limeys?"

(AZATHOTH): "I'M AFRAID NOT, YOU SEE, I DON'T LIKE THE LIMEYS."

(mib): "Well, could you keep 'em from bothering the USA then?"

(AZATHOTH): "NO, I DON'T LIKE THEM EITHER."

(mib): "Is there anyone you *do* like on Earth?"

(AZATHOTH): "I LIKE THE AL AMARJANS. THEY'RE WEEIIIIRD!"

*******

TRANSCRIPT ENDS

The MiB is : Kenneth Scroggins by day, Papparazzi Assassin by night! 
Novus Ordo Seclorum : Annuit Coeptus : E Pluribus Unum
Shane Ivey runs Arc Dream Publishing and is the lead editor of the newest Delta Green projects.

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