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A Conversation With Future President Cthulhu

Categories: Section Eight

From mib@cyberspace.org Mon Nov  9 23:05:43 1998
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 16:50:26 -0400 (EDT)
From: The Man in Black 
Reply-To: Delta Green List 
To: Delta Green List 
Subject: DG: A Conversation with Future President Cthulhu

MEMCON #9

Cast of Characters:

(mib): The ever lovin' Man in Black

(punk): Carl Stanford, petty annoyance and sorcerer supreme

(Immy): Immoleta, Goth Chick and Video Production Director

(BIG C): Elder Party American Presidential Candidate Cthulhu

(YOG): YOG SOTHOTH, the key and the gate and the way and the thing, and
that other thing. Looks like a bunch of scrubbing bubbles.

(BUZZ~!): BUZZ~! the Mi-Go, MiB sidekick.

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

(mib): "Welcome to 'Secret Recipes of the Men In Black.' My name is the
Man in Black and I'll be your host as we learn how to cook flayed raped
ass. Our first guest hopes to become the next President of the United
States of America. His campaign motto is 'Why Vote for the Lesser Evil.'
Everybody please give a non-mind controlled welcome to the Almighty
Cthulhu!" 

(The audience applauds like automatons as a guy in an obviously fake
rubber Cthulhu suit walks out onto the stark gleaming black futuristic
kitchen set) 

(mib): "HEY~! Wait a minute! CUT! CUT~! This is not right. Who the hell
are you, and what have you done with Cthulhu?"

(punk): "I'm Cthulhu, and I can do what I want!"

(mib): "You're a damn imposter! Immy! Get some Meddling Kids out here."

(Immy): "I am adrift in an abyss of despair."

(mib): "Huh?"

(punk): "She said she's adrift in an abyss of despair."

(mib): "Quiet YOU! Immy, where are my Meddling Kids (TM)?"

(Immy): "You fill me with a never-ending melange of loneliness."

(mib): "ARRGH~! OK think, gotta do some spin control. Immy has gone all
gothic and pretentious, she's been playing White Wolf games again. Wait a
minute, I know...

Folks, we'll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors."

*******

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RAPE APE will save you up to half of one percent on all your long distance
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our expert simian operators until your rectum is a shredded bloody
spaghetti-like mass of agony. Remember that's 1-900 RAPE APE, 1-900
R-A-P-E A-P-E. 

*******

(The MIB is in the control room with a camera crew. Immoleta is busy
staring at a poster of the Yellow Sign(TM))

(mib): "AHA~! So this is the cause of your loathsome lethargicness. Well,
I have just the thing." 

(he rips up the poster and subjects Immy to the Keychain Neuralyzer (TM), 
she goes off like a car alarm)

(Immy): "Wha? Huh? I was drowning in an ocean of angst and self-loathing."

(mib): "It was the Yellow Sign (TM) again. How many times do I have to
tell you about that thing. Anyway, I need some meddling kids, where are
they?"

(Immy): "They're in the green room with Cthulhu, why?"

(mib): "Uh-Oh."

*******

(meanwhile back on stage, Carl Stanford in a rubber Cthulhu Suit has
completely drained the POW out of several volunteers from the audience and
has made 'Ye Liveliest of Awfulness Casserole' out of their dessicated
griseous corpses)

*******

(Secret Service Agents stand outside the Green Room guarding the
candidate as the Mib enters with his Camera Crew)

(mib): "Hey, Big C, have you seen any meddling kids around here?"

(BIG C): "You mean those lovely scurrying hors'douvers you had running
about screaming in here? Sorry, ate them all already. You know 'Hunger
knows no bounds' and all that."

(mib): "Great. You know Carl Stanford is on stage pretending to be you."

(BIG C): "We Great Old Ones are beyond such petty mortal concerns."

(mib): "So why run for high public office? Never mind, I don't wanna
know."

*******

Carl Stanford addresses the Basic Cable audience of the World:

(punk): "Hee Hee. The Men in Black are weiner-heads. I'm Cthulhu and I
love you!"

(audience member): "YOU SUCK BIG DONKEY DICK!"

(punk): "Oh Yeah! Well I know 'Fist of YOG-SOTHOTH.' Take THAT!"

(He smashes the audience member to a grisly pulp)

(YOG-SOTHOTH): "Could you not involve me in this farce please?"

(punk): "I'm Cthulhu and I can do what I want!"

(YOG): "Whatever..." (vanishes into realms beyond space and time, like
circa 1972)

(mib): (suddenly appearing on the scene) "If you're Cthulhu, then why
don't you use your own spell?"

(punk): "Because!"

(mib): "Because, why?"

(punk): "Because I don't wanna."

(mib): "This is just sad, Carl. A desperate plea for attention. I know the
other sorcerers don't like you all that much, but why go and do something
silly like this? You're a major league villain. You should go out and host
your own basic cable TV show. I have faith in you. The people have faith
in you Carl."

(the audience applauds, Carl takes off the Cthulhu Head)

(punk): "May... Maybe you're right. I could go out and make something of
myself. Bring back the Order of the Silver Twilight as a made-for-TV
movie. I... I'm better than this." (he gestures toward his rubber suit)

(mib): "I'm glad to here you say that Carl, it makes what I'm about to do
for you a lot easier. HO~! BUZZ~!"

(BUZZ~! throws the MiB a Steel Chair (TM) which he violently smashes
against Stanford's unprotected head. The audience begins chanting "Jerry~! 
JERRY~!" in an eerie monotone. From the backstage area, several members of
nWo:Hollywood rush out to assist in the beatdown. Before too long security
and Police officers separate the fracas and Carl is taken off-stage in a
stretcher and into an ambulance. Credits roll as the ambulance drives
away.) 

The Man in Black is : working out his issues in karnage therapy.
Novus Ordo Seclorum : Annuit Coeptus : E Pluribus Unum
Shane Ivey runs Arc Dream Publishing and is the lead editor of the newest Delta Green projects.

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