logo


A Conversation With Santa Claus

Categories: Section Eight

From: The Man in Black 
To: Delta Green List 
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 22:10:55 -0500 (EST)
=============================================================================

MEMCON #10 (MEMorandum of CONversation)

"That burger was never meant for ELVES!" - Jack

*******

Cast of Characters:

(mib) : You know him and you love to hate him, he's The Man in Black

(BUZZ~!) : BUZZ~! the Mi-Go, MiB sidekick

(punk) : Carl Stanford, failed NAMBLA member and sorcerer supreme

(Ithaqua): The Wind Walker, the Icy demon of the northern wastes.

(TBO): Y'golonac, sock puppeteer and Great Old One.

(N.): Nyarlathotep, the crawling chaos. Livin' proof that pimpin' ain't
easy.

(SC): The jolly old elf, Santa Claus himself

Supporting Cast:

Those Annoying Kids, Those annoying elves, and those annoying greys.

*******

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

We open with Carl Stanford dressed as Santa Claus at a middle american
mall near you. Small Children line up to take pictures. A little girl sits
on Carl's lap.

(punk) : "HO HO HO!" whispers to girl: "I killed the real Santa." "HO! 
HO! HO!"  "When Christmas comes, I'll sacrifice Mommy and Daddy to the
Devil." "HO! HO! HO!"

(little girl) : "WAAAH! WAAAH!" (runs away in terror)

(mib) : "Awright You! That's enough of your crap!" (shoots Carl Stanford
with the Gauss Razorgun, rendering him into a fine red mist)

(little boy): "WAAAH! The bad man killed Santa! WAAAH!"

(mib): "Shuddup Kid."

(little boy): "WAAAH! I WANT SANTA!" (runs to his mommy, all the children
begin crying)

(mib) : "Oboy..."

*******
A LITTLE LATER
*******

(mib): "No BUZZ~! really, you look great. I'm telling you this is gonna
work."

(BUZZ~!): "BZ BZZZT BZZTS~!" [red:black:mauve]

(mib): "Look, you're just gonna have to trust me OK?"

(BUZZ~!): "..." [sullen colorlessness]

(mib): (comes from backstage) "OK Kids, I found Santa, he just had to go
to the bathroom." 

(Kids): "YAY!"

(mib): "Come on out Santa!"

(BUZZ~! comes out dressed as Santa. Several Greys follow him, dressed as
happy christmas elves.)

(little girl): "Why does Santa look like a giant Lobster?"

(little boy): "Those are scary elves... WAAAH!"

(other little girl): "I wanna go home!"

(mib): "Hmmm. This isn't working. Must think of alternate plan."

(one of the Greys pokes MiB in the butt with a glowing green rod)

(mib): "HEY! KNOCK THAT OFF~!"

(Grey): "Sorry."

(mib): "grumble mumble rassin' frassin' nerfin' turfin'..."

*******
STILL LATER
*******

(mib is on the cellular phone)

(mib): "No, I just couldn't. Look I'm telling you, Red just isn't my
color. Just come on down, This is perfect for you! Uh-huh, yeah? You gotta
listen to me, I'm desperate here! ... Yeah I know what it's like ... Yeah,
yeah, ... you will? Great!"

*******

(Ithaqua decends on the mall shattering the skylight. He begins devouring
people left and right.)

(mib): "DUDE~! What are you doing!?"

(Ithaqua): "I, SATAN CLAWS, WILL DESTROY THIS SHOPPING ESTABLISHMENT! DIE
PUNY HUMANS!"

(mib): "No No NO! 'Santa Claus' man, 'Santa Claus." (shakes his head in
disbelief, puts his hand over his face)

(Ithaqua): "What? Oh man, I'm really sorry."

(mib surveys the destruction)

(mib): "Yeah, well you should be." (taps his foot and crosses his arms)

(Ithaqua): "It was an honest mistake. I mean, anyone could have gotten
confused."

(mib): "YOU IDIOT~! You live at the North Pole! How can you not know
Santa!?"

(Ithaqua): "Hey, is he the one with those tasty reindeer and elves?"

(mib): "Yes, yes he is. Nevermind, just beat it already. SHEESH!"

*******
STILL MORE LATER
*******

(pimp Nyarlathotep): "HO! HO! HO! These are three of my finest Ho's!"

(mib): (surveiling the Ho's) "This is not what I meant by the Christmas
Spirit, and you know it."

(pimp Nyarlathotep): "Yo man, why you gotta be like that? Just look at
these fine specimens of female pulchritude."

(mib): "Quite frankly, these Ho's are not the quality that I have come to
expect. And where's the jolly old fat man you promised?"

(TBO): (runs up to the MiB) "Here I am... huff! Puff! I brought Mr. Socko
Claus!"

(Mr. Socko Claus): "HI! BoYS and Ghorls!"

(mib): (slowly turns to look at Pimp Nyarlathotep) "I hate you."

(Y'golonac puts a Santa hat on his neck stump)

(TBO): "Merry Christmas! HO! HO! HO! Happy Hannukka! Look everybody, I
brought presents!"

(The Kids): "YAY!"

(pimp Nyarlathotep): "See! The little homeys love Mr. Socko Claus."

(mib): "I am going to get you for this."

(TBO): "Here's a Yellow Sign pendant for you, and a signed and numbered
copy of the Revelations of Glaaki #12 for you, and a Shining Trapezohedron
for you, and..." 

(mib): "You didn't even WRAP THE PRESENTS!"

(TBO): (looks sheepishly at the floor) "No."

(Mr. Socko Claus): "We didn't have time."

(mib): "You stay outta this! ...ARRRGH! I'm talking to a sock puppet! My
career is over! Only the most spastic of idiots likes stupid puppets." 

(TBO): "Hey, don't feel down, look, Mr. Socko wants you to be happy."

(Mr. Socko): "I'll sing you a happy song!"

(mib): "That would be a bad idea... a *very* bad idea."

(TBO): "I know, let's everybody sing a happy song!"

(the Kids): "YAY!"

(mib): "That's it, I'm outta here..." (leaves)

*******
MUCH LATER...
AT THE NORTH POLE
*******

(mib): "...so that's why I ruined Christmas."

(SC): "And you expect me to believe this ludicrous story?"

(mib): (sounding desperate) "Look, Santa, you gotta understand! The Great
Old Ones ruined everything. My technology malfunctioned!" (he gets down on
his knees and wrings his hands) "There was a great plague, a hurricane, a
terrible flood! LOCUSTS! ...IT WASN'T MY FAULT~!"

(SC): "I'm sorry, but you're going to be on the naughty list yet again
this Christmas. Here's your lump of coal." KLUNK!

(Annoying elves): "HAW HAW!"

(mib): "AAAUUUGGGHHH~!"

The Man in Black is : pretty fly for a white guy
Novus Ordo Seclorum : Annuit Coeptus : E Pluribus Unum
[ass, Ass, ASS! ASS~! smell my ASS! Kiss my ASS! Don't give a rat's ASS!]
[9 9 2 0 .2 2 9 9 8 9 2 1 2 .3 3 4]
Shane Ivey runs Arc Dream Publishing and is the lead editor of the newest Delta Green projects.

Leave a Reply