From: The Man in Black To: Delta Green List Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 22:10:55 -0500 (EST) ============================================================================= MEMCON #10 (MEMorandum of CONversation) "That burger was never meant for ELVES!" - Jack ******* Cast of Characters: (mib) : You know him and you love to hate him, he's The Man in Black (BUZZ~!) : BUZZ~! the Mi-Go, MiB sidekick (punk) : Carl Stanford, failed NAMBLA member and sorcerer supreme (Ithaqua): The Wind Walker, the Icy demon of the northern wastes. (TBO): Y'golonac, sock puppeteer and Great Old One. (N.): Nyarlathotep, the crawling chaos. Livin' proof that pimpin' ain't easy. (SC): The jolly old elf, Santa Claus himself Supporting Cast: Those Annoying Kids, Those annoying elves, and those annoying greys. ******* TRANSCRIPT BEGINS: We open with Carl Stanford dressed as Santa Claus at a middle american mall near you. Small Children line up to take pictures. A little girl sits on Carl's lap. (punk) : "HO HO HO!" whispers to girl: "I killed the real Santa." "HO! HO! HO!" "When Christmas comes, I'll sacrifice Mommy and Daddy to the Devil." "HO! HO! HO!" (little girl) : "WAAAH! WAAAH!" (runs away in terror) (mib) : "Awright You! That's enough of your crap!" (shoots Carl Stanford with the Gauss Razorgun, rendering him into a fine red mist) (little boy): "WAAAH! The bad man killed Santa! WAAAH!" (mib): "Shuddup Kid." (little boy): "WAAAH! I WANT SANTA!" (runs to his mommy, all the children begin crying) (mib) : "Oboy..." ******* A LITTLE LATER ******* (mib): "No BUZZ~! really, you look great. I'm telling you this is gonna work." (BUZZ~!): "BZ BZZZT BZZTS~!" [red:black:mauve] (mib): "Look, you're just gonna have to trust me OK?" (BUZZ~!): "..." [sullen colorlessness] (mib): (comes from backstage) "OK Kids, I found Santa, he just had to go to the bathroom." (Kids): "YAY!" (mib): "Come on out Santa!" (BUZZ~! comes out dressed as Santa. Several Greys follow him, dressed as happy christmas elves.) (little girl): "Why does Santa look like a giant Lobster?" (little boy): "Those are scary elves... WAAAH!" (other little girl): "I wanna go home!" (mib): "Hmmm. This isn't working. Must think of alternate plan." (one of the Greys pokes MiB in the butt with a glowing green rod) (mib): "HEY! KNOCK THAT OFF~!" (Grey): "Sorry." (mib): "grumble mumble rassin' frassin' nerfin' turfin'..." ******* STILL LATER ******* (mib is on the cellular phone) (mib): "No, I just couldn't. Look I'm telling you, Red just isn't my color. Just come on down, This is perfect for you! Uh-huh, yeah? You gotta listen to me, I'm desperate here! ... Yeah I know what it's like ... Yeah, yeah, ... you will? Great!" ******* (Ithaqua decends on the mall shattering the skylight. He begins devouring people left and right.) (mib): "DUDE~! What are you doing!?" (Ithaqua): "I, SATAN CLAWS, WILL DESTROY THIS SHOPPING ESTABLISHMENT! DIE PUNY HUMANS!" (mib): "No No NO! 'Santa Claus' man, 'Santa Claus." (shakes his head in disbelief, puts his hand over his face) (Ithaqua): "What? Oh man, I'm really sorry." (mib surveys the destruction) (mib): "Yeah, well you should be." (taps his foot and crosses his arms) (Ithaqua): "It was an honest mistake. I mean, anyone could have gotten confused." (mib): "YOU IDIOT~! You live at the North Pole! How can you not know Santa!?" (Ithaqua): "Hey, is he the one with those tasty reindeer and elves?" (mib): "Yes, yes he is. Nevermind, just beat it already. SHEESH!" ******* STILL MORE LATER ******* (pimp Nyarlathotep): "HO! HO! HO! These are three of my finest Ho's!" (mib): (surveiling the Ho's) "This is not what I meant by the Christmas Spirit, and you know it." (pimp Nyarlathotep): "Yo man, why you gotta be like that? Just look at these fine specimens of female pulchritude." (mib): "Quite frankly, these Ho's are not the quality that I have come to expect. And where's the jolly old fat man you promised?" (TBO): (runs up to the MiB) "Here I am... huff! Puff! I brought Mr. Socko Claus!" (Mr. Socko Claus): "HI! BoYS and Ghorls!" (mib): (slowly turns to look at Pimp Nyarlathotep) "I hate you." (Y'golonac puts a Santa hat on his neck stump) (TBO): "Merry Christmas! HO! HO! HO! Happy Hannukka! Look everybody, I brought presents!" (The Kids): "YAY!" (pimp Nyarlathotep): "See! The little homeys love Mr. Socko Claus." (mib): "I am going to get you for this." (TBO): "Here's a Yellow Sign pendant for you, and a signed and numbered copy of the Revelations of Glaaki #12 for you, and a Shining Trapezohedron for you, and..." (mib): "You didn't even WRAP THE PRESENTS!" (TBO): (looks sheepishly at the floor) "No." (Mr. Socko Claus): "We didn't have time." (mib): "You stay outta this! ...ARRRGH! I'm talking to a sock puppet! My career is over! Only the most spastic of idiots likes stupid puppets." (TBO): "Hey, don't feel down, look, Mr. Socko wants you to be happy." (Mr. Socko): "I'll sing you a happy song!" (mib): "That would be a bad idea... a *very* bad idea." (TBO): "I know, let's everybody sing a happy song!" (the Kids): "YAY!" (mib): "That's it, I'm outta here..." (leaves) ******* MUCH LATER... AT THE NORTH POLE ******* (mib): "...so that's why I ruined Christmas." (SC): "And you expect me to believe this ludicrous story?" (mib): (sounding desperate) "Look, Santa, you gotta understand! The Great Old Ones ruined everything. My technology malfunctioned!" (he gets down on his knees and wrings his hands) "There was a great plague, a hurricane, a terrible flood! LOCUSTS! ...IT WASN'T MY FAULT~!" (SC): "I'm sorry, but you're going to be on the naughty list yet again this Christmas. Here's your lump of coal." KLUNK! (Annoying elves): "HAW HAW!" (mib): "AAAUUUGGGHHH~!" The Man in Black is : pretty fly for a white guy Novus Ordo Seclorum : Annuit Coeptus : E Pluribus Unum [ass, Ass, ASS! ASS~! smell my ASS! Kiss my ASS! Don't give a rat's ASS!] [9 9 2 0 .2 2 9 9 8 9 2 1 2 .3 3 4]
