logo


A Conversation With Thalassa Chandler

Categories: Section Eight

Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 22:47:10 -0400 (EDT)
From: The Man in Black 
Subject: DG: A Conversation with Thalassa Chandler, or "The END is nigh"

MEMCON#7 (MEMorandum of CONversation)

BACKGROUND:

After spending quality time (i.e. a sexually charged telepathically
induced hallucination) with the Gestalt Gurlz of the Psionic Plane,
the MiB was called out of the Call of Cthulhu RPG and assigned to the
Macho Women with Guns RPG. Discovering that male characters were quite
wimpy in that RPG the MiB considered using the unofficial Cross-Dressing
rules, but found them to be much too humiliating and ridiculous. Also,
they didn't give enough plusses.

So, weakened by his gender in a world he never made, the MiB gallantly
strode forth to face the Zombie Cheerleaders of Hell High. Naturally they
could kick his ass any day of the week, twice on Sunday, and they did. And
it hurt! 

Thus it was that Zombie Lord and surfer dude Bthulhu descended on Hell
High and ate the entire freshman class during an otherwise unremarkable
pep rally. Bummer. Fortunately the Student Government was able to convince
the Computer Club and the Robotics Club to stop their unholy
www.cyber-Jyhad.com long enough to build a Terminatrix class cyborg
assassin. Using the nation's entire supply of silicone and silicon within
her awesome frame, the Top-Heavy Terminatrix soundly thrashed Bthulhu and
rescued the Mib.

It was love at first sight.

Sadly, it was a love that was not meant to be, for as the grateful MiB
planted a wet one on Terminatrix's silvery lipstick, he was shocked and
amazed to receive a 250,000 volt electrocution. The Terminatrix could only
answer his romantic aspirations with an unfeeling "Unauthorized Sexual
Conduct is not permitted." Still smouldering (literally!) with passion the
MiB was heard to reply "My Heart... my heart is stopping... (Ker-PLUNK~!)"

Anyway, it was to be that Emergency Medical Technicians were summoned and
MiB was subjected to that defibrillator thingy. After determining that
neither the head nor groin were adequate for ressucitation via
defibrillation, the EMT's finally zapped the MiB a good one. 

Upon returning from the tunnel of light, where Elvis was inexplicably
missing, the MiB got a call from the North American OverSector. It seemed
that the hand puppet artiste formerly known as Y'golonac (aka The
Bloated One) was AWOL.

Thus begins our Epic Saga...

*******

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

(mib): The Man in Black

(Trixie): Black Leather Clad Top-Heavy terminatrix class Cyborg Assassin

(BUZZ~!): Buzz the Mi-Go, MiB sidekick

(CEO): New World Industries Chief Executive Officer Thalassa Chandler

(TBO East): Blackbeard the Pirate, ARR~! Shiver me Timbers!

(TBO West): The Road Dawg Jesse James, one-half of the New Age Outlaws,
WWF tag team champions of the world. 

(TBO South): The Bad-Ass Billy Gunn, the other half of the NAO, WWF tag
team champions of the world.

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

(Thalassa Chandler works quietly aboard her private NWI learjet at 30,000 
feet. Suddenly the door opens in a torrent of wind and a flurry of
important NWI papers, enter MiB and Trixie)

(mib): "ALL RIGHT Y'GOLONAC! Come out with your hands up!"

(CEO): "Wha? Where? Huh? Who are you people?"

(Trixie): "Target ist not Acquired."

(CEO): "How did you get on my plane?" (looks out the window at a much
amused and rosy pink headed BUZZ~!) 

(mib): "Dammit! We were so close. He's gotta be around here somewhere."

(Trixie): "I vill secure ze cockpit."

(mib): "You can secure my cockpit anytime, baby."

(Trixie goes to the cockpit)

(CEO): "Answer me! What the hell is this all about?!"

(mib): "Relax, lady, we're just looking for a being of immense power and
antiquity that predates humanity and likes to play with sock puppets."

(CEO): "I see..." (rubs her forehead)

(Trixie): "I haff found ze Target." (she leads in Y'golonac)

(TBO East): "Avast ye scurvy dogs, What do ye want with Blackbeard the
Pirate? ARRR~!"

(mib): "Umm, that's a nice puppet there Y'golonac, but no one still likes
that damn puppet game."

(TBO East): "ARRR~! Get ye iron-booty wench away from me, ye hear! Else
ye'll be walkin' the plank. ARRR~!"

(CEO): "Oh Gawd! He wasn't kidding."

(mib): "OH-KAY! That's it, I walk the plank for no man or gawd.
TERMINATRIX! Take Him Down!" (points the BIG FINGER at Y'golonac)

(Trixie grabs Y'golonac and rips off the Blackbeard puppet and stomps on
it, shattering the wooden leg, bending and twisting the hook hand, and
utterly crushing the parrot.) 

(TBO East) "GASP! Polly! ARR~! ARRR~! ARRRRGH~! SOB!"

(mib): "hehehe. He usually gets real docile after the puppet show is
over."

(TBO West): "OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?! Your ASS bettah CAAALLL SOMEBODY!" 

(cue DX music theme) 

(mib): "What the...?"

(TBO West): "Ladies and Gentlemen, Boyz and Gurlz, Children of ALL AGES!
New World Industries and DeGeneration-X is proud to present: The World
Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions of the WOOOORRRRLD~! the Road Dawg
Jesse James..." (holds up his Left hand) "...the BAD-ASS Billy Gunn..."

(CEO): "...the END is nigh..."

(WARNING : SEVERE SQUICK POTENTIAL AHEAD : WARNING)

(PREPARE FOR SQUICK SENSATION)

(With that, The Bloated One rotates it's wattled bulk, turning in glorious
majesty, thick folds of wet clammy corpse-flesh gently jiggling in
resonance to some dark and unhallowed rythym. Then, as the Hands that Feed
grasp hungrily for the floor, Y'golonac flexes it's mighty mass and bends.
Bends not Space nor Time, but bends *OVER* to display the UTMOST HORROR~!)

(CEO): "BEHOLD~! Behold the Glory of the Talking Sphincter! Behold the 
loathsome Ring of Sacred Excretion! BEHOLD~!" (Bows down in abject
servitude)

(mib): "For this, I studied Creative Writing... SIGH."

(TBO West): "...The NEW~! AGE~! OUTLAWS~!"

(TBO South): "Sorry, what was that? I'm a little *behind* in this
conversation."

(TBO West): "...The NEW~! AGE~! OUTLAWS~!"

(mib): "Hey there, uh, Mr. Ass? Lemme *ass* you a question. Didn't you
steal this bit from Jim Carrey?"

(TBO South): "Butt Wait! There's more..."

(mib): "NO WAY Fartbreath! Not a chance that I'm going into *arrears*
over this one. This whole thing ends before I get sued for public
indecency or something."

TRANSCRIPT ENDS (hehehe "ENDS" chuckle)

The Man in Black is : Kenneth Scroggins
Novus Ordo Seclorum : Annuit Coeptus : E Pluribus Unum
Shane Ivey runs Arc Dream Publishing and is the lead editor of the newest Delta Green projects.

Leave a Reply