From: Jacob Busby, IT Consultant, Tech Futures, IT Data Centre, Hampshire County Council, The Castle, Winchester. Tel: (01962) 845375 Subject: Luvly Jubbly
[The FLAT. It's late at night and melodramatic music is emnating from the TV. DEL and RACQUEL are enthralled. UNCLE ALBERT is dozing. RODNEY is terrified but is desperately trying not to show it. RACQUEL clutches cushion up to her face. DEL puts arm around RACQUEL. RACQUEL reacts. The film ends.]
RODNEY: Well that was a load of rubbish, wasn't it? I've seen more realistic vampires on the Ghost Train.
DEL: The night-clubs you go to you're used to seeing the undead. You've dated a couple of ghouls in your time. Anyway I heard you scream when they found the vampire in the basement.
RODNEY: [Sheepish] Well it's scary aint it? [Aggressive] Anyway I don't like watching things like that. Cassandra and I prefer something a little more intellectually stimulating.
DEL: What like a Disney Movie?
RODNEY: No, not like a Disney movie. Foreign cinema, French classics, that sort of thing.
DEL: Yeah. We know what kind of French films you like watching, Rodney.
RODNEY: Hmmph. Well I don't know how you can watch these movies? These last two weeks you been actin' all weird and all of a sudden you think you're some kind of horror afficiando. I don't know where you're getting it from.
[Enter DAMIEN. RODNEY reacts.]
DAMIEN: Daddy, Daddy. I can't get to sleep.
RACQUEL: It's all right Damien, Mummy'll tuck you in.
DEL: Fix me up a vodka and Vimto whilst your up, love.
[RACQUEL leaves with DAMIEN. UNCLE ALBERT wakes up.]
ALBERT: Zit over? I wuz enjoyin' that.
DEL: Recognise a few old friends, did you? Dracula must've been cutting his milk teeth when you were a nipper.
ALBERT: Nah. Remines me of old times... Juwin de worr... [DEL and RODNEY sigh] We wozz stuck beyind enemy linez and we sorr some of dem nazis called Carry Ticker. They woz diggin' up old soldiers and sendin' off to the front line with all their bodiz fallin' a pieces an' everyfink. Makes yer fink duzzn't it?
RODNEY [Looking at ALBERT who has spittle all down beard]: Yeah, unc, makes you wonder who zombified you?
DEL: No, no. He's right, Rodders. An' in these enlightened times you got to carry around a bit of protection from the supernatural. I saw Monkey Harris today...
RODNEY: What, Monkey Harris, the deranged cultist and cannibal of North Camden.
DEL: Yeah, that Monkey Harris. He aint as bad as people makes out. 'N fact he's got a whole load of hookie Elder Signs and he can give to me for a pony each. [Pulls a disfigured lump of iron out of his pocket] Feast your eyes on that my son.
[RODNEY takes the Elder Sign with trepidation and examines it]
DEL: Well, what do you make of it?
RODNEY: What, apart from a bonfire?
DEL: Think about it Rodney. We can knock 'em out for ten times what I paid for 'em and the punters'll still thinking they're getting a good deal.
RODNEY: Del, these Elder Signs is bent. There crooked. You start selling these on the street and every two-bit demonologist and weirdo'll be trying to summon Things Which Man Was Never Meant To Know. Before you know it Cthulhu'll be taking a dip in the Thames, Hastur be having his summer holidays at Buck House and Azathoth will have eaten three-quarters of Peckham.
DEL: Rodney, you plonker. If someone starts summoning Cthulhu and his mates everyone'll be wanting an Elder Sign. We can knock 'em out at double the price an' clean up. Luvvly Jubbly.