by the Man In Black, (c) 2000
“You do so want to suck his brains. Why, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so thirsty for brains.”
Cast of Characters:
(MiB) : The ever lovin’ Man in Black
(BUZZ~!) : BUZZ~! the Mi-Go, ever buzzin’ MiB sidekick
(Tommy) : Thomas Prendergast, UFO enthusiast and Gofer 22 YOA
(Phenomen-X Staffers) : folks with a strong sense of self-preservation
(Other MIB) : more of the same, only different
(Frank) : Frank Carincola
TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:
Phenomen-X Studio
9:00 AM
(MiB) : [ARRIVES WITH MANY OTHER MEN IN BLACK] “Allrite! We’re here to
seize the videotape! Come out with your hands up so that you may be shot
without mercy!” [HE OPENS FIRE WITHOUT MERCY]
[PHENOMEN-X STAFFERS SCREAM AND FLEE IN TERROR]
(BUZZ~!) : “BzzBz Bz Bzzzz Bzz BzzzBzz?” [GREEN : ORANGE : FUSCHIA]
(MiB) : “What do mean, ‘We should try talking?’ That’s crazy talk! This
isn’t some stupid conversation piece, you know. Time for Carnage!” [HE
LAUNCHES SEVERAL TACTICAL MISSILE SALVOES INTO THE FLEEING PHENOMEN-X
STAFFERS]
(Tommy) : [CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER DESK] “AIIIGH~! I SURRENDER! You are too
much for us poor media folk!”
(MiB) : “You aren’t French by any chance are you?”
(Tommy) : “AHHHH~! Don’t let the Giant Lobster eat me! I’ll never touch
another crustacean again for as long as I live!”
(BUZZ~!) : “BzBzz Bzz, Bz Bzzz Bzzz Bzz BzzzzBzzz.” [RED : GREEN : BLUE]
(Tommy) : “AAAAAAAH! It’s talking to me! What’s it saying!? RUN AWAY!”
[ATTEMPTS TO FLEE WITH HIS HANDS OVER HIS HEAD]
(MiB) : [GRABS TOMMY] “He said ‘Relax kid, We just want the videotape.”
NOW HAND IT OVER!”
(Tommy) : “Please don’t feed me to your Giant Flying Lobster!
Please-please-please-please-please-please-PAH-LEEZE! I’m too young to
die!”
(MiB) : “Fine. Give us the tape or BUZZ~! here will suck your out brains
with a long sharp metal straw!”
(BUZZ~!) : “Z Bzzz?” [GRAY : RED : PINK]
(MiB) : “Yes you will. Now give us the tape, uber-nerd, or your skull will
suffer the grisly consequences.”
(Tommy) : “AIEEE~! Lemme Go! It wants to suck my brains!”
(BUZZ~!) : “Z Bzz’z Bzzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzzz.” [BLACK : MAROON : LAVENDER]
(MiB) : “You do so want to suck his brains. Why, I don’t think I’ve ever
seen you so thirsty for brains. He better come up with that tape soon, or
you’ll be drinking his gray matter like… well, like a brain sucking
alien.”
(BUZZ~!) : “B’z Bzz Bzzzzzz Bzz Bzzzzz.” [BLACK : MAROON : LAVENDER]
(MiB) : “You are so going to suck his brains. And you’ll damn well like
’em too!”
(BUZZ~!) : “B’z Bzz Bzzzzzz Bzz Bzzzzz.” [BLACK : MAROON : LAVENDER]
(MiB) : “Don’t you start with me, young spore! You’ll eat your brains or
you’ll go to Yuggoth with no supper!”
[TOMMY TRIES TO SNEAK AWAY WHILE THEY ARGUE]
(MiB) : “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISCREANT!”
(Tommy) : “AIIIEE~! I wanna keep my brains!”
(BUZZ~!) : “Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzzz.” [GOLD : GRAY : VIOLET]
[ENTER A MISSILE-SINGED FRANK CARINCOLA WITH OTHER MIB]
(Other MIB) : “We got the Producer.”
(MiB) : “Outstanding. Give us the videotape or get your brains sucked,
baldy.”
(Frank) : “What videotape, the GenCon segment?”
(MiB) : “No.”
(Frank) : “The Evil Clown piece?”
(MiB) : “No.”
(Frank) : “The one on David Icke?”
(MiB) : “Gawd, no.”
(Tommy) : “The Haunted Strip Club?”
(MiB) : “No, but we’ll take a copy of that one. What we want is… the
Hamster Cannon footage.”
(Frank) : “You… sick… bastard!”
(MiB) : “What? It’s strippers, man! Strippers.”
(Frank) : “No, I meant the hamster thing.”
(BUZZ~!) : “Bzz Bz’zz Bzzz Bzzzzzzzz Bzzzzz.” [RED : WHITE : BLUE]
(MiB) : “Yeah, like he said. We’re just following orders.”
(Frank) : “Yeah, sick bastard orders! You freaks in the Group won’t get
away with this! I have contacts! We’ll put you down!” [HE STRUGGLES
AGAINST THE MIB HOLDING HIS ARMS]
(MiB) : “What in the *Hell* are you babbling about? Stop stalling and give
us the Hamster Cannon footage.”
(Tommy) : “Give it to him before they suck my brains! I don’t wanna have
my brains sucked!”
(BUZZ~!) : “Bz Bzz Bz Bzzzz Bz Bzzz Bzz Bzzzzz!” [BLACK : GRAY : RED]
(Frank) : “Fine, you sick bastards may have won this round, but the truth
will come out someday and you’ll all be exposed for the sick bastards that
you are! You’ll see! You’ll see! You’ll ALL see!”
(MiB) : “Whatever. To the production room!”
[THEY GO TO THE PRODUCTION ROOM AND WATCH THE HAMSTER CANNON FOOTAGE. IN
IT, A HUMAN SIZED LIZARD WITH A CROWN ON ITS HEAD BENDS OVER AND LAUNCHES
A HAMSTER OUT OF “YOU KNOW WHERE”. THE FURRY PROJECTILE TRAVELS SEVERAL
HUNDRED METERS WHEREPON IT MAKES A TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION, BLOWING UP STUFF.
THIS PROCESS IS THEN REPEATED SEVERAL TIMES AS NEW “AMMO” IS “RELOADED”.]
(MiB) : “My Gawd! It’s true. It’s true.”
(BUZZ~!) : “Bzz Bzzzz Bz Bz Bzzzzzzz Bzzzzz.” [BLUE : GREEN : BLACK]
(Tommy) : [VOMITS NOISILY, THEN FAINTS]
TRANSCRIPT ENDS
