By Mark McFadden, (c) 2000
In a message dated 3/26/00 1:48:16 PM Eastern Standard Time, email@example.com writes:
<< You disrespect my spelling again you mook and I will kill you dead. I will kill your fucking wife your fucking ugly kids your dog your gpldfish. I will kill your friends [snip] >>
and so on.
Things are getting a little tense lately on the list. Maybe we could all benefit from a review of some basics. MoreDiggin@nypublib.ny.gov, this means you! J
I found this on an executive discussion group I monitor. It seemed appropriate and has some helpful tips. I just cut and pasted the whole damn thing so it might be long.
In a message dated 1/23/00 8:02:00 PM Pacific Standard Time, BIGPNS8675309@aol.com writes:
SOME CONSULTANT INSTALLED A GADGET THAT MAKES MY SPELLING GOODER. IT MUST HAVE NEEDDED A LOT OF HACKING BECAUSE HE USED A LOT OF WORDS LIKE MACRO AND DUBBLEKLIK AND MENU. IT WAS AMAZING SOME OF THE THINGS HE COULD DO BY CLICKING ON THOSE WORDS AT THE TOP OF THE MONITOR. HE CALLED IT A SPELL CHECKER. MOST CCMAIL OUTLOOKS CAN USE THE SPELL CHECKER FROM WHATEVER WORDPERFECT YOU USE AND ALSO HE SAID YOU COULD USE YOUR WORLDPERFECT AS THE EDITOR. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT “NOT GETTING CUTE WITH THE FUCKING LETTERHEADS, BUSINESS CARDS, CARTOON FONTS, ANIMATED TAPDANCING CLOWNS, FRACTAL WALLPAPERS AND WATERMARKS” BECAUSE SOME MIME WAS JUST GOING TO TRANSLATE IT ALL INTO ASS KEYS THAT INNOCENT BYSTANDERS HAD TO STROLL THROUGH TO DIGEST SOMETHING. READERS DIGEST? ANYHOW, SOMETHING ABOUT PAGES OF ASS KEYS AND DIGESTS. WHEN I FIND THIS ASS KEY I WILL HAVE SOMEONE LABEL IT CLEARLY. I SUPPOSE IT IT NEXT TO THAT ANY KEY I KEEP GETTING MESSAGES ABOUT THAT NO ONE SEEMS ABLE TO FIND FOR ME.
I TOLD HIM TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN FOR ME BUT HE GAVE ME THIS SCARY LOOK AND SAID I SHOULD GO TO MCDONALDS IF I WANT A FISH SANDWICH BUT I COULD DROP HIM A LINE WHEN I WAS READY TO LEARN HOW TO FISH. I DIDN’T LIKE HIS TONE SO I DEMANDED TO KNOW HIS NAME SO HE WROTE A NOTE THEN HANDED ME A SILVER BULLET AND SAID IT SHOULD TELL ME WHO HE WAS.
AFTER HE LEFT I HAD SOMEONE READ THE NOTE AND THIS IS WHAT IT SAID:
THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT A SPELLING BEE INSTEAD OF A SPELLING PRIMATE. MEMORY VS TOOL USE SPARKY. OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE A DRONE? THIS IS WISDOM. GO IN PEACE AND SIN NO MORE.
IT WAS SIGNED RAY DELLAGARTO BUT HE DIDN’T LOOK HIPANSPIC AND WE DIDN’T HAVE ANYONE BY THAT NAME ON THE PAYROLL.
LATER WHEN I HAD THE BULLET APPRAISED THEY TOLD ME IT WAS A SUPPOSITORY. BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HE WAS.
</DIV><DIV> </DIV><DIV> Christian Whitebread III
CIO of Bolshoi-Bigg-Grande
A division of Mammon Corporation
A member of the Whole Earth Group
“If you love money, you love us already.” </DIV><DIV> </DIV><DIV>
<OLE object cannot be found.>
The contents of this message are the individual and personal views of the sender and are not the views or policy of Bolshoi-Bigg-Grande. The contents of this message are the individual and personal views of the sender and are not the views or policy of Mammon Corporation. The contents of this message are the individual and personal views of the sender and are not the views or policy of the Whole Earth Group or through implication the views or policy of Whole Earth Enterprises or any of its subsidiaries or business partners. The contents of this message are the individual and personal views of the entity that might or might not have typed it. It could be a forgery. Or a virus. Who can say otherwise? It could be the malicious act of someone who habitually wears black and plays roleplaying games which, as we all know, are directly linked to Satan worship. That’s a fact, I read it somewhere. So, really, you can’t hold BBG or Mammon and especially the Whole Earth Group responsible for anything this cretin spews. They were fired anyhow for being a child molester. Well, actually, we heard s/he was accused of that and we figured, you know, where there’s smoke. So no, s/he doesn’t work here and we don’t know where s/he is now. Probably dead with that drug problem s/he had. S/he was also stealing office supplies and some mornings I swear you could smell, like, I don’t know vodka or something in that big coffee mug s/he was always sipping from. Incidentally, did you know that statistically, messaging professionals have the largest penises among heterosexuals? It’s true. But don’t take my word for it, check for yourself. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me. These silverbacks don’t seem to realize I can read all of their email. I mean, you’d think it would be obvious, since HR sics me on them before dropping the other shoe. It made some fascinating reading so I went browsing. Talk about your bastard child of a hundred maniacs, I thought American Psycho was over the top until I started reading the email in these weasels folders. And they never throw anything away, they just twist arms and get more diskspace. I mean, they don’t even consider any of it incriminating and that includes the hundreds of megabytes of porn. Is anyone investigating these sociopaths? I have worked with coked-out Type-A congenital hemorrhoids before, but these guys stand out like chancres amongst the pustules. I figure I’ve got three options: a) I can go on a killing spree, b) I can take off my shoes, climb a tree, and learn how to play the flute, or c) I can go work for a movie studio. But not until I get the latest copy of the super top secret spreadsheet those drones in Payroll keep sending back and forth to the person in the next office on the same server. I think I’ll post all of the top executive salaries to the Internet, the company’s For Sale Bulletin Board and the IRS from someone else’s mailbox. Incidentally, this text was added to the disclaimer field in 1988, and I bet it will still be here in the 21st century, because nobody reads these things after the text has been approved by Legal. Hell, they’d have to figure out how it’s getting added to all of their external email in the first place and I’m the only one with the password, which I just forgot.